I need to wake up early to finish this essay. Instead, I am doomscrolling. As I keep scrolling down TikTok, the corner of my eye is checking the clock. The time is getting close to sunrise. The contrast of my dark room and brightness of the screen is burning my eyes but I can’t turn on the lights, that would be too much of a commitment to not sleeping. Even though it doesn’t look like it, I am trying to sleep. My curiosity however has its own agenda. I am not concerned with how sore and cold my thumb feels. I am not thinking about how I need to wake up at eight in the morning. I have to see the next video, and the one after that…

I can feel the pressure of the ticking clock. I see a slide show of  cute donkey pictures and on top it says „pov: you named yourself first while talking about multiple people, but you’re not german enough to understand.“ I don’t understand the joke despite living in Germany for eight years. My heart starts to beat a little faster. If I can’t understand this joke because of my poor German skills (as this POV suggests) how am I supposed to find a job in Germany? Oh my god, I am going to be unemployed forever! It almost feels like those adorable donkeys are mocking me. As my screen stares back at me, I am left wondering how can an entertainment app trigger someone so instantly.

Nevertheless, even the uncertainties of my future can’t overpower my desire to keep searching. But for what? I don’t know either.

I don’t stay at a video longer than 15 seconds. I roll my eyes at them and complain internally as I punish them with a quick skip. I can feel my attention span shortening like all the fear mongering experts claimed on the news. At least I assume so since I watched those clips also on TikTok. Were they right? Is TikTok really the end of freewill where one feels obligated to constant scrolling as the precious time gets away from them? Just when my anxieties were going to take over my body I see this TikTok that says: „Me at 10 years old finding out ‚race car‘ spelled backwards is still ‚race car.‘“ And the flood of anxiety stops. The world becomes a whimsical place.

The sound of Michelle Yeoh saying „Madame Morrible (M.M.), flip around Wicked Witch [W.W.]“ makes me chuckle but I can’t laugh since that would wake up my responsible boyfriend who has been sleeping since 11 p.m. As I silently giggle at my phone I am enjoying being in on the joke. I know this is yet another trend that would die in couple days. They always do. The joke will stop making sense, people stop using the sound and if they don’t they will start sounding like old people trying to relate to younger generations. But right now, at this moment, it is funny. It caught my attention and that needs to count for something.

Under the video I see the caption „I love palindromes so much #wicked.“ Wait a minute. What even is a palindrome? I hope it is not another donkey moment where my English skills are betraying me. The word shakes my consciousness that was in a trance like state where it either scrolled past a video or rewarded the algorithm with a double tap. I decide to check comments. Where else am I going to get a faster answer? The comment section blesses me with a quick link that leads to what feels like an endless stream of information. 

A random video explains that the word palindrome refers to „words or sentences that are spelled forward the same spelled backwards“. I keep scrolling. Training my algorithm once again comes in handy as it delivers me exactly what I want, different examples. Mom, level, radar, do geese see God? Did I mention my name is Ada. Palindromes are everywhere. In this palindrome rabbit hole I come across a video that explains what an „emordnilap“ is. It refers to words that have a different meaning when they spell backwards. Drawer becomes reward, repaid becomes diaper and mood becomes doom. 

„So a palindrome ain’t even a palindrome it’s an emordnilap…“ Reading this comment feels like the moment a marathon runner crosses the finish line. I can feel the banner on my chest. I hear people cheering for me as I happily crash from exhaustion. I am satisfied with my research. I have found what I have been searching for. The rabbit hole can end and I can actually go to sleep

As I put down my phone, I realize something. The scrolling did not lead to my doom. Doom can’t feel the way I am feeling right now. Maybe I don’t know what doom means. As we have established, my language skills are not the most trustworthy. Every time I see or use the word “doom” (which is not so often) it comes with the word “day” attached to it. I just never questioned what it actually meant. 

JUDGMENT-SCROLLING

I am not religious so my information on the doomsday must come from the second best source, Hollywood. The Day After Tomorrow (2004) taught me that the doomsday was something to be feared and I don’t think Jake Gyllenhaal would lie to me. I Am Legend (2007) was not super successful since I was mainly sad about the German Shepherd. However, I remember being terrified specifically on 12th and 21st of December in 2012 because of the movie 2012 (2009). I don’t want to sound like a conspiracy theorist but the media shaped me to fear the word doom.

My first association with the word is helplessness. Lack of power against your inevitable destruction. A quick google search can confirm my initial associations. “Downfall,” “catastrophe,” even “death” are some words linked to it. But if you scroll a bit further you can find out doom is more than “some other terrible fate.”As a result of my research I have found out that in old English the word doom, among other things, meant “judgment.” A decision. It could mean a personal judgment. It could even mean a private opinion. All these years I didn’t question this word that carries such heavy meanings. 

This meaning actually makes more sense when I think about the “judgment day.” I know, I have heard it before. In my search for meaning (that felt like a rabbit hole) I have learned that in some religions it is the day the world ends and people are judged by God for their life decisions. Hence, the judgment. It is used as a synonym for “doomsday.” At least I do so. The word doom was always there in my vocabulary. I knew both of its meanings. I just didn’t realize it.

If doom can also mean having a judgment, then why is “doomscrolling” always framed as something that happens to me? Something out of my power. This word might be the only term in this essay that I don’t need to look up. As an active scroller of TikTok I see it all the time. Often in self-deprecating jokes by other TikTok users but sometimes in random articles that warn me or call me a borderline depressed social media addict.

The word itself suggests that I am being carried to my downfall. Just a passive passenger. A victim in the current, drowning as the river decides where I go. But is it always the case? Or the negative meaning of the word often gets the upper hand over what actually is happening? 

On that long night where I was “trying to sleep” I was making judgments constantly. The time didn’t pass me by. I was checking the time. I judged the donkey video worth watching. I could have skipped it immediately. I have told you that I do it all the time. But I have stayed because I have found the donkeys cute. That was my personal opinion. I judged the palindrome caption worth pausing. I have scrolled through maybe a hundred TikTok videos. There must have been other interesting captions. But I decided to land on palindromes. I could’ve googled what it meant. No. I checked the comments. I thought it was the easiest way to get answer to my question. I wanted an answer that fit  my own liking. It was always me and my judgment, the very thing doom always meant.

And at the end it was me who decided to get out of the flow that supposedly would destruct me.

Of course, I am not saying younger generations don’t need formal education and TikTok is all we need. I have no clue on how to educate a child. All I am saying is that the rabbit hole was not a trap. At the end of my scroll I am left with more information. I have answered a tricky question correctly on a trivia night because of social media. That is enough for me to say “doom can be positive.” I know this doesn’t mean that social media is going to make me a genius but I must admit that it already made me a more educated person. A more cultured person.

I am content, not ruined. I am not getting drowned. I am swimming in the sea as the sun goes down. It is getting cold and I should go out. But I don’t want to. I am enjoying the moment. It doesn’t sound like a catastrophe, does it? Or am I just fooling myself?

Text: Elif Ada Ayaz